Relationships are all about communication. It sets the foundation for building a stronger relationship, whether you need to discuss the important things in life, from kids to handling finances, or lighter topics like where to go for dinner or on holiday. However, sometimes you need to bring up a topic that’s more sensitive than others (yes, even more sensitive than money), and you might feel that broaching the subject of sex or erectile difficulties with your partner feels like you’re walking on eggshells.
As there are so many physical and psychological causes of erectile dysfunction (ED), it can make it harder to talk about as you’re unsure what the reason behind your case is. Not to mention all the stigma and shame that seems to surround ED. It may be tempting to endure it in silence and hope it goes away on its own, but actually talking to your partner, GP, or pharmacist is a key step towards treating the issue. ED is treatable, you will most likely need help and support to overcome it, which is where communication comes in.
Read on to see how ED may affect your relationship, find the right communication strategy for both of you, and more.
How does Erectile Dysfunction Affect Relationships?
How to Approach Your Partner with Empathy?
How to Rebuild Intimacy and Strengthen Your Relationship?
Communication Strategies for Talking to Your Partner about ED
Involving Your Partner in the Journey of Seeking Professional Help
Frequently Asked Questions About ED Communication Strategies
How does erectile dysfunction affect relationships?
Partners want a fulfilling sex life, but erectile dysfunction can impede this, impacting both. This often means a couple are not having sex in the way they want, resulting in a loss of intimacy. Partners will say their sex life is "good" but then add "it’s okay, but I wish it was better"; they are not fully satisfied with the situation. One might even say they are resigned to it.
Trying to communicate about sex, let alone ED, can feel a little awkward. It’s natural to be nervous but you can get through it with a little help and patience.n Whether you are dealing with erectile problems with a new girlfriend or you’ve been with your partner for decades, let’s discuss some ways to ease the emotional frustration caused by ED and how to talk about it with more empathy to help you support each other and get the treatment needed.o p
How to deal with the emotional frustration caused by ED?
Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition usually rooted in a physical or psychological cause, but it can also come with a lot of baggage. There’s already so much expectation about sex and sexual performance, particularly for men, so having ED can hit at male pride. It’s not something you and your friends will talk about over a beer, nor is it a topic of conversation likely to inspire romance.
Not to mention, some partners might blame themselves for their partner’s ED, often in the form of believing that they are not desirable enough or that they are the source of stress affecting their partner’s ability to get an erection.
However, not talking about it can lead to resignation rather than resolution of ED. Communication breaks the ice around the topic and allows you to get some of the emotional weight off your chest. It might hurt at first, but it will be the first important step for you to get the support you need, which can’t help but improve your mood considerably. If you have ED, talking about it with your partner will help make you feel less alone, and you may feel more supported about seeking out the help you need.
How to approach your partner with empathy?
One of the hardest parts of this is knowing how to help your partner with erectile dysfunction. If your partner has ED, he may be dealing with an intense range of feelings like low self-esteem, shame, depression, anxiety, or even loneliness. Try to approach things by simply starting the conversation outside of the bedroom when both of you feel less vulnerable and more receptive.n It’ll be a little scary at first, but it will help improve things in the long run. q
An excellent first step is to create an open, non-judging atmosphere for you and your partner to discuss what’s happening. If your partner has grown up or lives in a society with unrealistic or demanding expectations of “what makes a man”, they might be even more concerned about ED. Some may men see it as a reflection of their “manliness” and feel like ED is a personal failing. This is why it’s important to reassure them that you don’t see them differently and are there to support them through this. Be kind, be ready to listen, and be as open-minded as possible. n q You may find it helps to learn a bit about the possible causes of ED and understand why it can happen so you can reassure your partner it’s likely to have a medical cause and is something treatable.
How to rebuild intimacy and strengthen your relationship?
Although ED can put a lot of stress on a relationship, it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s best to try to solve it together as a team. If the cause of ED lies in interpersonal issues (or at least, the stress caused by them), you might find talking through these might help. ‘Doing more’ in bed, while possibly good for the both of you, won’t really solve ED if the emotional or physiological issue isn’t dealt with first.p
Another way to help rebuild intimacy is to expand the definition of ‘sex’ in your lives. People change over time, and so does sex in a relationship, and that’s OK. You can use this time to find other and new ways to foster intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, oral, or manual stimulation. Lowering the stakes and taking the pressure off things can also help. You may find that taking penetrative sex off the table for a while, so to speak, can mean there’s less pressure to perform, and may ease performance anxiety, which can also contribute to ED. a
Communication strategies for talking to your partner about ED
There are several ways to introduce the topic, whether you have ED or are the partner of someone with ED. Here are a few tips to help communication go more smoothly:
- Figure out the right time and place. Make sure to start your talk somewhere comfortable and private enough for both of you and not in any place where you might expect to be intimate (like the bedroom, taking your clothes off!). It's also a good idea to start this conversation before any intimacies have begun.
- Reassure your partner it’s not their fault. If it’s your partner who has ED, then reassure him that it’s not his fault and that you're there to support him if he needs it. Also, if you have ED, reassure your partner your ED is not because you don’t find them attractive or care about them anymore.
- Help your partner understand you. With a condition like ED, two things can happen while approaching the subject for the first time: you talk in euphemisms, or you use a lot of medical jargon; neither is helpful. Instead, your best bet is to tell them, as naturally and as comfortably as you can, about what’s happening to you. If you’ve done some research (even reading this article is a start), maybe you can point them to some of the sources you’ve found to help them learn a bit more about ED and why it happens. r
Involving your partner in the journey of seeking professional help
You can bring your partner along on the journey by helping them learn more about erectile dysfunction. Involving your partner will help them feel included and can also help them understand what is happening to you and understand what psychological support for men living with erectile dysfunction is available. It can also give them a way to understand their own role in helping you and perhaps manage their own feelings about you having ED. Couples therapy can also help with this. This kind of counselling might also get a partner to understand how they can help their partner with erectile dysfunction.
Frequently Asked Questions About ED Communication Strategies
Can a relationship last with erectile dysfunction?
Absolutely yes! The key is, as always, communication. If you are open with your partner about what is happening to you and are seeking treatment for whatever the underlying causes of the ED are (even better if they feel part of the solution and are helping you directly), then there’s no reason you can’t have a long-term relationship or marriage as you work through your ED. q
Should you tell your partner you have ED?
If the ED itself is temporary, you may not need to say anything if it won’t affect a particular encounter, but if it’s a longer-term issue, you should bring it up to them. If you are on the other side and dating a partner with erectile dysfunction, you’ll want to talk to them about it, even if they haven’t told you. If you are wondering how you should talk to your partner about erectile dysfunction, the best way is do it in an open, non-judgmental way.b It’s natural to be anxious about bringing up the topic, but in the long run it can help your relationship going forward.o
How do you communicate with someone with erectile dysfunction?
There are a few first steps you can take to decide how you can talk with your partner about erectile dysfunction:
- Communicate the issue openly – don’t hide behind euphemisms!
- Find the right place and time – don’t spring it on your partner right before getting intimate in the bedroom, for example.
- Understand your partner may be embarrassed or uncomfortable with this conversation – that means using softer language or taking things slowly when speaking to them.
- Learn about the condition – even before talking, you might want to research the condition; for example, it’s important to know that this happens to a lot of men and is rarely directly their (or your!) fault.c
How does my ED affect my partner?
You might wonder how ED can affect your relationship. The special person in your life can feel a range of emotions when confronted with your erectile dysfunction. One of the more prominent emotions that might happen is guilt or fear that they are the cause of your ED, perhaps because they no longer find them attractive or cause you stress. A partner might also feel that ED is proof of a lack of love on your part or even of cheating.
Also, just because your partner has not said anything doesn’t mean they are satisfied with the way their sex life is going. It’s worth checking in with your partner to gauge their feelings, as they may not know how to even approach the topic or how they can help. You may have noticed your partner try to encourage you to live a healthier lifestyle, like putting you both on a diet or encouraging exercise. This could be their way of trying to help but not being comfortable enough to talk about it.
Erectile dysfunction can also mean that there is a loss of intimacy in the relationship, which can affect some people very strongly, to the point where they feel unloved and leave the relationship.
This proves two things: first, it’s important to discuss the issue openly and involve your partner in what’s happening to you and the treatment you are seeking out. Secondly, both of you need to do your research and understand that ED is something that happens to a lot of men and that it is a treatable condition.o d
Open communication is most likely one of your best tools for handling ED and keeping your partner informed; after all, they can’t help you if they don’t know there’s a problem in the first place. A partner willing to talk with you about your issue and help you deal with it can help you manage your condition as you work to fix it. Counselling and seeing your doctor to fix the underlying issues can put you on the path to recovery, but a good partner can help you deal with your own feelings (and theirs!) that might be causing you stress as you work on your erectile dysfunction.
MAT-XU-2401152 (v1.0) September 2024
Sources
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a https://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/features/getting-intimate-talking-together-about-ed
b https://ro.co/health-guide/how-to-talk-about-ed/
c https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/7-strategies-for-partnering-up-with-ed-2020111921385
d https://psychcentral.com/health/erectile-dysfunction-and-affairs#ed-in-marriage
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-to-deal-with-ed-in-a-marriage#impact-on-relationships
p Sorgen, C., “Impotence Imposes on Relationships.” WebMD. (n.d.). [Accessed: Jul 2023]. https://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/features/impotence-imposes-on-relationships
q Rowello, L. “How to Respond When Your Partner Experiences Erectile Dysfunction.” (Sept 25, 2023). [Accessed: Jul 2023]. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-respond-to-your-partner-s-erectile-dysfunction-5197022
r Wong, J. “Talking about ED with a New Partner”. (n.d.). [Accessed: Jul 2023]. https://onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/mens-health-advice/erectile-dysfunction-with-new-partner